Little fears.

Yes, I know it's 4:30am, and I SHOULD BE SLEEPING, considering I have to wake up at 7am haha. But oh well, I just wanna say something before I sleep. This entry is called Little Fears. When I say fears, I do not mean phobias, instead, I mean fears about dating. LOL.

Gay right? Cheezy right? But this xanga's mine anyways so if you're not into cheezy, then just close the window. I'm not gonna offer dating advice, but I just wanna say something that I used to feel and probably lots of other people do too.

Back in the day, in high school, I didn't want to date. It's simple. I don't believe in dating during high school. I always felt there was no point. Brian actually said something very true today, "You know, I'm not looking for a girlfriend, I'm looking for a wife." Jerry and I completely agreed on that, not like we're gonna marry LOL, but when Brian said WIFE, he didn't mean getting hitched, he meant like...someone you just don't spend one or two months with. You want a long lasting relationship, a spouse without a ring, I guess you could say that. Nonetheless, this was the exact reason why I didn't date in high school. Yes, you could build long lasting relationships that can last for years, and I've seen it before, but knowing myself and the type of person I am, if I don't believe it will last in university, then it probably won't. I'll probably end up dumping the guy, or he'll dump me for not trying to keep the relationship alive. You're probably thinking, "you might never know"... but knowing myself, although I don't get clingy, I get attached. There's a difference between clingy and attached. To me, clingy means Richard (NO OFFENCE MOTHERFUCKER BUT I STILL HATE YOU), it means you constantly call the person, give the person no breathing space, and you're stuck to the person like super glue, BUT attached on the other hand means you just can't get enough of the person, you wanna spend time with the person, you feel like there's not enough time in the world, and when you're done whatever you're doing, you wanna spend the rest of the time just being with that one person. THAT is the type of person I am. I always offer personal space to my partner, it might get a little annoying afterwards but that's the type of person I am. At the same time, I'm a lazy person. I can't find myself being dedicated to something or someone for a long long time. I am afraid of insecurities, and if you go to different universities, then yeah... bye bye, let's break up. But now that I am in uni, the only type of insecurity I feel is not if the guy is going to flirt with some other girl cuz I'm the one that's TOOO chillaxed in this relationship, but I am afraid of him getting tired of me. I always ask him and he always says 'why would I get tired of you?' I guess, there's nothing to be afraid of. You just have to trust him, and I REALLY trust him. So if he says no, then I should say goodbye to the insecurity. But, old habits die hard.

SO THE POINT OF THAT LONG ASS PARAGRAPH IS, IF YOU HAVE A FEAR OF YOUR BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND THINKING YOU'RE ANNOYING, DON'T. TRUST THE PERSON OR IN THE END, IF THE PERSON THINKS YOU'RE ANNOYING, IT'S PROBABLY CUZ THE PERSON IS ANNOYED AT YOU CONSTANTLY INSECURE ABOUT BEING ANNOYING. Just be yourself, CHILL. I'm trying that now.

SECOND: Back then, I always had a fear of running out of things to talk about. I always that if I went out with the person I really like, I would run out of things to say because I'd be too nervous and constantly trying to think of things to say. Awkward silences annoy the shit out of me, and this is a bad thing to do but sometimes, when I chat with a person, I would judge on whether this person and I can keep a conversation going. If not, then... not worth the try because keeping conversations going is hard. A friend told me that getting guys are easy. You just keep coming at them. Keep talking to them. Keep seeing them. Keep doing this and keep doing that. I'll tell you right now, it's tiring. I did that with Jerry though, coincedentally (and fortunately), I always had a reason to start the conversation. Something happened each day, something I had to ask him, etc, there was just always a reason that provoked me or him to begin a conversation each day. I have to admit though, we both always take some time to reply to each other, but we never really ran out of stuff to talk about. NEVER RUSH THINGS. At first, when I didn't even know I liked him (well...I was really confused but everyone says I was in denial), I did get scares that I would run out of stuff to talk to him about, and to be honest, since I was confused about my feelings, I didn't even know why I felt that way. All I remember saying to myself was, "Oh God, please, if there are going to be awkward silences even on MSN, please don't let it be between him and I." ANYWAYS, my point is, there's a fine line between provoking someone and making them talk to you, and just letting it flow. He doesn't always have to be the first one to say hi. You don't always have to constantly talk after each sentence, and don't plan out subjects. For some reason, I didn't need to do that with Jerry. Lol, maybe I'm just lucky but I know for sure I had to do that with Carter (not like I liked him or anything, but even as friends, it was hard to really continue a conversation). I think, it just requires a good combination of chatting with a person (online or text or phone) and meeting up with that person one on one. Jerry and I always went to lunch together...and it just escalated. It was ONLY lunch too.  Surprisingly, the fear of running out of things to talk about with your partner doesn't apply to me anymore. I just thought that if it works with friends, it would probably happen with boyfriends too...but I was SO wrong LOL. NOW IT'S LIKE, THERE'S NOT ENOUGH TIME IN THE WORLDDDDD.

That's it. Those are my two only fears, and it really kept me from dating back in high school. Anyone can date in high school, but I just don't believe in it.

- cath

P.S: I don't know why but it's the weirdest thing when girls and guys call you hot. I'm not trying to like...brag or something but hearing something call you hot or beautiful or pretty cool, all of which I've never been seriously called before, is something I WILL NEVER GET USED TO. ESPECIALLY WHEN JERRY SAYS IT TO ME, I'M STILL AMAZED EVEN THOUGH HE'S MY BOYFRIEND.