I realize now that a lot of the incentives behind my goals are all the wrong reasons. I shouldn't lie to myself anymore, nor to any of my friends.

Why did I apply to Waterloo in the first place?

Yes, I did tell people that I wanted to go for accounting there since it's #1. That is only part of the reason. The main, and true reason, is that I want to move out.

This family, as much as they love me, brings me sadness each day. When no one was at home today, for once, I felt peaceful. I felt as if the time inside my condo stood still, and I could care less about what was happening in the world outside. This peace, this tranquility, and relaxation, felt so short that as soon as it started, it had already ended. I guess I finally understand the type of person that I am. I seek attention, but not family attention. Yet ironically, I just want to be alone. I want to be alone, relaxing, with music in the background, and reading a book. Now I see it. Now I understand why I only like being awake at night, because that's when the rest of my family is asleep. It's only at night that everything is so quiet. I can hear the wind traveling through the different rooms, the snoring of my grandma out in the living room even with my door closed, the driving outside even though I live on the 17th floor, and I even scare at myself when I breathe loud thinking that there was someone else beside me.

That peacefulness is something I crave so much, it's almost like drugs. Lol. I want to move as far away as possible, and yet keep my education in check. I had to get into Waterloo because they had a prestigious program. Honestly, even before I knew that accounting there is #1 in Canada, I had already applied to go there so that I can move away.

Don't I want to support my family in the future?

Yes, of course. That is my purpose in life. I think if my parents, knock on wood, ever passed away before I achieved this goal, I'd commit suicide. A selfish act, I'd probably go to hell. I love my friends, and to think that I have abandoned them just by doing this, and living would have been what my parents wanted for me, a person without purpose is an empty shell. Well, that is what has resulted from my perspective. Still, I never told anyone this, but once I get my job, and career, I'd still live away from them. In order to keep my purpose true, I will send money, write letters to them, or cards, come visit them once in a while, lol, just like how I would be in university.

Of course, everything I say now is subjective. The future probably will probably differ from my wishes.

I've lost my appetite for some reason, or my habit of not eating more than one meal a day has greatly reduced my appetite. I used to be able to survive Japanese all you can eat for an hour, now it's only 30 minutes and I'm already full. Korean bbq was enjoyable, but I remember last time I went with Vivien, I ate SO much more. I bought a medium pepperoni pizza today, I used to be able to finish the whole circle, but now, I only eat half. I practically forced myself to eat the last 2 slices. I haven't eaten pizza for so long, everything just went right through me. What's happening to me? Nowadays, I literally have to remind myself to eat. Ugh... I'm not suicidal but from a medical point of view, it looks like depression. LOL. fucking hell.

-cath