Today's Canada Day, but I think by the time I finish writing this entry, it'll be past 12am anyways.

Another day has passed. My family and I went shopping, I bought a full Lacoste outfit (zip sweater + pants) for a good deal, and my grandma bought Guess shoes.

I wonder what I need in life. I hate shopping, I hate makeup, I hate spending money. I hate so many things that people normally like. Seeing my family buy all these things just doesn't interest me. My mom bought the Lacoste outfit for me as a congratulations to me for entering Waterloo...is it really worth celebrating? I'm just one out of hundreds of people who got into that program, nothing special, nothing worth spending that much for. I know that I'm her daughter, and her love is unconditional, so money isn't a factor if it's for my happiness.

But I wonder where my happiness comes from. I thought I'd be happy to see my grandma, but I'm just content...even annoyed at times. Some of things she says just really pisses me off, today she went like, "BB (she calls me that), when you grow older, you're gonna give your mom $40 000 and give me $10." Pressure much? I know they have high hopes for me, but me getting into Waterloo doesn't mean that everything'll come landing into my lap. Now, everytime my mom buys something, she says that "oh who cares, you're gonna be making $100 000 in the future anyways!" I don't say anything, but in the back of my mind, although I don't regret getting into Waterloo, I regret ever telling them why accounting is good.

Right now, I feel so lifeless. I thought it was because I don't have to go to school anymore, but when I think back, I was pretty lifeless during school days anyways. I wake up, I come to school, I see my friends and teachers, a few laughs there, a few good memories here, come back, nap, homework, shower, sleep. I lose track of time, and the next thing I know, a week passes.

I have no purpose in life reserved for myself. Truthfully, I don't really care about this body of mine...somehow, I got back into this subject again (I wrote about it before but the computer froze). My purpose in life is to live on up till a point when everything's settled for my family. If I died at 70, I'll be content, and I'd welcome death with open arms because my purpose in life has been fulfilled. By the time I'm 70, my mom and dad will already be in heaven, and have enjoyed the riches I could give them, and my children will already be adults, and I might even be a grandma. I guess, if I died anywhere in the time frame of my parents being happy, but already in heaven so that they won't see me die ahead of them, and then I get to see grandchildren or my kids all settled and happy, then I'd be happy. If my parents ever knew that I thought about it like that, they'd get pissed. I remember my mom telling me that she doesn't want me to give anything back to her, the money I earn is my own money.

I tried thinking like that for a while, but then I started slacking off. I don't need anything in life. Clothes...makeup...boyfriends...or anything that isn't related to the wellbeing of my family, then I don't need it. I just need basic clothing, food and shelter, to keep my brain working, enough to keep this body functioning, and these hands still working. I can do that with any program in university, and with whatever grades, and experience. How could I ever think like that? Even when I go to the doctor now, I don't even care about whatever sickness I get, just as long as it doesn't shorten my lifespan and make me die before 70, then I don't care.

I couldn't, so now I'm back to living for my parents. You'd think I'd bored with the way these days have passed for me - just waking up at like 2pm, and then reading, and sleeping because I ate medicine "that may cause drowsiness", and then eat, and then sleep. I don't go out, I don't do anything, I sometimes go on the computer to kill time. But I actually am quite content. Nothing interests me. Maybe this will change in university, maybe not.

I should probably start getting a job to support my family. I'm sorry God.

- cath