For all the wrong reasons...

I realize now that a lot of the incentives behind my goals are all the wrong reasons. I shouldn't lie to myself anymore, nor to any of my friends.

Why did I apply to Waterloo in the first place?

Yes, I did tell people that I wanted to go for accounting there since it's #1. That is only part of the reason. The main, and true reason, is that I want to move out.

This family, as much as they love me, brings me sadness each day. When no one was at home today, for once, I felt peaceful. I felt as if the time inside my condo stood still, and I could care less about what was happening in the world outside. This peace, this tranquility, and relaxation, felt so short that as soon as it started, it had already ended. I guess I finally understand the type of person that I am. I seek attention, but not family attention. Yet ironically, I just want to be alone. I want to be alone, relaxing, with music in the background, and reading a book. Now I see it. Now I understand why I only like being awake at night, because that's when the rest of my family is asleep. It's only at night that everything is so quiet. I can hear the wind traveling through the different rooms, the snoring of my grandma out in the living room even with my door closed, the driving outside even though I live on the 17th floor, and I even scare at myself when I breathe loud thinking that there was someone else beside me.

That peacefulness is something I crave so much, it's almost like drugs. Lol. I want to move as far away as possible, and yet keep my education in check. I had to get into Waterloo because they had a prestigious program. Honestly, even before I knew that accounting there is #1 in Canada, I had already applied to go there so that I can move away.

Don't I want to support my family in the future?

Yes, of course. That is my purpose in life. I think if my parents, knock on wood, ever passed away before I achieved this goal, I'd commit suicide. A selfish act, I'd probably go to hell. I love my friends, and to think that I have abandoned them just by doing this, and living would have been what my parents wanted for me, a person without purpose is an empty shell. Well, that is what has resulted from my perspective. Still, I never told anyone this, but once I get my job, and career, I'd still live away from them. In order to keep my purpose true, I will send money, write letters to them, or cards, come visit them once in a while, lol, just like how I would be in university.

Of course, everything I say now is subjective. The future probably will probably differ from my wishes.

I've lost my appetite for some reason, or my habit of not eating more than one meal a day has greatly reduced my appetite. I used to be able to survive Japanese all you can eat for an hour, now it's only 30 minutes and I'm already full. Korean bbq was enjoyable, but I remember last time I went with Vivien, I ate SO much more. I bought a medium pepperoni pizza today, I used to be able to finish the whole circle, but now, I only eat half. I practically forced myself to eat the last 2 slices. I haven't eaten pizza for so long, everything just went right through me. What's happening to me? Nowadays, I literally have to remind myself to eat. Ugh... I'm not suicidal but from a medical point of view, it looks like depression. LOL. fucking hell.

-cath

AH IF ONLY...

Three things that really make me daydream with numerous "if only"'s. Funny how Adeline and Vivien and I talked about this today...

1) IF ONLY HARRY POTTER WAS REAL! I mean, reading the book, the detail, the plot, the exquisite literature... hmmm.... it almost sounds like she was there before, that this world exists. Such a detailed book, such detailed summaries...it makes you think "how could it not exist?" I think that's why I love Harry Potter. I'd buy all the 5th and so on books if THEY WEREN'T SO FUCKING EXPENSIVE!!!!! Man, I mean...the school of Hogwarts is in deep shit by the end of the 4th or 5th book and it would suck if I ACTUALLY GOT INTO GRYFFINDOR (I don't even remember how to spell the name) at around that time frame, but man, I actually wanna go to that train station and run into that little stone arch to see if I will actually get into the magical world. LOL, most likely, that'll happen to me because the impact of the collision will give me a concussion and send my brain into lalaland.

2) IF ONLY... IF ONLY!!!!!! TWILIGHT WAS REAL! AHHHHHH! ONCE AGAIN, THIS IS ANOTHER BOOK THAT I POSSESS THE EXACT SAME FEELINGS FOR AS I DO WITH HARRY POTTER! The character, Bella, describes everything so well, and the thoughts she says is like...so... like off the top of her head... it almost feels like I'm in her brain and seeing it through her eyes. This book, and Harry Potter (well..Harry Potter was harder) are the only books that I made the effort for to imagine the scenery, the character's expressions, or in other words, picture it like a movie in my head. Sometimes, I wonder how Stephenie Meyer even wrote the book. It's literally, really, REALLY, different from every book I've read. I read lots of mystery, or CSI, books, and most of them are also in first person, and I do imagine it sometimes, but not like ALL THE TIME like I do for Twilight. I mean...the words are so.. thought-ish, not even a DIARY! It's like me, writing this journal entry right now, except I'm writing an adventure about a super HOTTTT vampire (SORRY, ROBERT PATTINSON IS JUST SO HOT, EVEN THOUGH HE'S HUMAN... I IMAGINE EDWARD CULLEN AND THE CULLEN FAMILY AS THE CHARACTERS IN THE MOVIE!) AND THIS GIRL NAMED BELLA! I mean, I believe in myths, because if my friends know me, they know I LOVE PARANORMAL SHIT (which is bad for my FENG SHUI lol j-kids), so I mean vampires could be real, so does the lochness monster, and so does the person standing behind you.

3) IF ONLY... THE COUPLE YUAN XIANG QIN AND ZHI SHU WAS REAL.. AKA THE COUPLE FROM ISWAK 2. I LOVE ISWAK 2! I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVEEE IT! I tend to skip episodes because the episodes like REALLY LONG, and I always think...hmm there's so much talking, it COULD be boring. But here I am, it's 4am and I'm watching an episode and writing this entry appraising this awesome shit. They are SO COMPATIBLE! I MEAN, IF I WAS ARIEL, I'D COULDN'T HELP BUT ACTUALLY... LIKE JOE CHENG! Causasian actors/actresses tend to do that...but hmm..not Asians. They are literally such a cute, strong, and true couple. I wouldn't mind my husband actually treating me like that... I mean, the cold shoulder whenever I feel down since a lot of my life's scenarios reflect her life. I already wrote entries on that, so I will not repeat them here.

- cath

Another day...

Today's Canada Day, but I think by the time I finish writing this entry, it'll be past 12am anyways.

Another day has passed. My family and I went shopping, I bought a full Lacoste outfit (zip sweater + pants) for a good deal, and my grandma bought Guess shoes.

I wonder what I need in life. I hate shopping, I hate makeup, I hate spending money. I hate so many things that people normally like. Seeing my family buy all these things just doesn't interest me. My mom bought the Lacoste outfit for me as a congratulations to me for entering Waterloo...is it really worth celebrating? I'm just one out of hundreds of people who got into that program, nothing special, nothing worth spending that much for. I know that I'm her daughter, and her love is unconditional, so money isn't a factor if it's for my happiness.

But I wonder where my happiness comes from. I thought I'd be happy to see my grandma, but I'm just content...even annoyed at times. Some of things she says just really pisses me off, today she went like, "BB (she calls me that), when you grow older, you're gonna give your mom $40 000 and give me $10." Pressure much? I know they have high hopes for me, but me getting into Waterloo doesn't mean that everything'll come landing into my lap. Now, everytime my mom buys something, she says that "oh who cares, you're gonna be making $100 000 in the future anyways!" I don't say anything, but in the back of my mind, although I don't regret getting into Waterloo, I regret ever telling them why accounting is good.

Right now, I feel so lifeless. I thought it was because I don't have to go to school anymore, but when I think back, I was pretty lifeless during school days anyways. I wake up, I come to school, I see my friends and teachers, a few laughs there, a few good memories here, come back, nap, homework, shower, sleep. I lose track of time, and the next thing I know, a week passes.

I have no purpose in life reserved for myself. Truthfully, I don't really care about this body of mine...somehow, I got back into this subject again (I wrote about it before but the computer froze). My purpose in life is to live on up till a point when everything's settled for my family. If I died at 70, I'll be content, and I'd welcome death with open arms because my purpose in life has been fulfilled. By the time I'm 70, my mom and dad will already be in heaven, and have enjoyed the riches I could give them, and my children will already be adults, and I might even be a grandma. I guess, if I died anywhere in the time frame of my parents being happy, but already in heaven so that they won't see me die ahead of them, and then I get to see grandchildren or my kids all settled and happy, then I'd be happy. If my parents ever knew that I thought about it like that, they'd get pissed. I remember my mom telling me that she doesn't want me to give anything back to her, the money I earn is my own money.

I tried thinking like that for a while, but then I started slacking off. I don't need anything in life. Clothes...makeup...boyfriends...or anything that isn't related to the wellbeing of my family, then I don't need it. I just need basic clothing, food and shelter, to keep my brain working, enough to keep this body functioning, and these hands still working. I can do that with any program in university, and with whatever grades, and experience. How could I ever think like that? Even when I go to the doctor now, I don't even care about whatever sickness I get, just as long as it doesn't shorten my lifespan and make me die before 70, then I don't care.

I couldn't, so now I'm back to living for my parents. You'd think I'd bored with the way these days have passed for me - just waking up at like 2pm, and then reading, and sleeping because I ate medicine "that may cause drowsiness", and then eat, and then sleep. I don't go out, I don't do anything, I sometimes go on the computer to kill time. But I actually am quite content. Nothing interests me. Maybe this will change in university, maybe not.

I should probably start getting a job to support my family. I'm sorry God.

- cath

Update in Stickam

I changed the song in my Stickam. I haven't heard some jrock in a long time, so now I'm going backwards and listening to some old jrock songs. I hope everyone likes Sadie, because I LOVE Sadie.

Since 176biz disbanded, I haven't anymore interest in jrock since 176biz was my one and only favourite band. The Gazette is good, but something about 176biz always draws me back to them.

So here you go, a song by Sadie. Something different than anything else out there. I don't even know I suddenly picked this song, my head had Abase in it but then I remember that, during some days, randomly, the piano music of this song will come crawling into the back of my head.

- cath

I wish

I wasn't going to write an entry, it felt pointless after the stupid computer froze. But, who can resist putting thoughts down into writing... I still remember what I wrote before, but looking back, it was such a depressing and pointless entry, with no sense of direction as to subject...

My grandma's here, outside in the living room... it feels so surreal that she's here. I feel that if I hug her, my arms will slip through and she'll disappear before my eyes. It hasn't really hit me yet, that she's here, physically, in front of my eyes...with my 5 senses responding to her.

After graduating, I feel a bit lost. A bit without purpose. It feels surreal that I've graduated. I haven't gotten that "slap in the face" that we've graduated, yet during grad, I sat there in my seat. I looked around the whole room, and I realized, with a sad expression on my face and in my heart, I won't even see three quarters of these people anymore. Skye and I talked about this already, and it's just depressing.

I won't see Elaine again...we've never hung out anyways (DUDE, SHE JUST CAME ONLINE!), I won't really miss these next people, the GINAS, but still, just seeing them everyday in the hallways and in the class has become such a daily routine... my peeps that I don't always hang out with all the time... Vanessa, Sarah, SHARON!!!!!, INGRIDD!!!!!!!!, etc. The BT guys too... even though I know in my heart, we'll probably do some BT renunion again during university, but still... our distances between us used to be of walking distance...now it's an hour and half drive distance.. Well, except for Miguel since he's going to Guelph... but STILL!

And, not seeing Skye everday! Oh it brings a pain in my heart that we can't walk together after school anymore. I'm definitely not gonna miss the walk uphill to Cummer, it's a pain in the fucking ass to wait for the Cummer bus, with my fucking heavy shit accounting TEXTBOOK! AH!

Yet, at the same time, I can't wait for the future. I wish there was a time machine for me to fast forward into the future to see ourselves in university, possible boyfriends? (I wanna see Tiffany's and Vivien's and Christine's, and Skye's, etc) our jobs, and then come back to the present. Obviously, we can't do that, and even if there was a time machine, it'll defeat the whole purpose of life's mysteries. I'm gonna miss VIVIEN SO MUCH! I wanna hang out with her more now, I've always had, but now it feels like our days together are numbered.

I need to readjust myself. I haven't gone seriously job searching either because I'm still dizzy, the stuff in my left ear's not balanced, and it's taking a fucking long time to heal.

I've been reading Twilight again, just for the heck of it. Reading Twilight really brings out my girliness, LOL, and it really brings out my youth. I'm still 17, but my days till I'm an adult are numbered and a few months away. Reading Twilight just reminds me of the days when I was in first semester, spazzing with Marie, Nikki, Skye, and Adeline about Edward Cullen aka. Robert Pattinson (ahakgjhaslasjas! ) Just talking about a certain scene in the book, spoiling some scenes for Skye, GUSHING over the trailer, and simply non stop Twilight. Those were the days... I hope I'll be doing that with my (asian) peeps in Waterloo sometime near my birthday. I'm gonna make Christine Lee and Tiffany read it, so that they'll gush with me... I'LL FORCE TIFFANY lol.

I watched Transformers 2 already... ONE WORD: ASTONISHING! AH, I NEED TO WATCH IT AGAIN! I think I'm torturing myself though, because I can't stop watching the New Moon trailer. I shouldn't be watching it but I'm already on New Moon, and just imagining Robert Pattinson saying those lines in the book makes me SO SMILEY!

Anyways, this was a much happier entry compared to the one that I was going to publish.

PICTURES:

-cath