Friday, 03 February 2012

Monday, 31 October 2011

  • You are the best thing that's ever been mine

    Today, I watched the music video for Mine by Taylor Swift for the very first time. I always heard positive reviews about it, and the song does get stuck in my head from time to time. But after watching the music video, I can see why there was so much praise. It made me all warm and gooey inside, and with each replay of the music video, the faces in the music video began to morph into Jerry (well, who else can I think of? LOL) and I.

    Instead of meeting in a restaurant, we met on the first day of Frosh...

    Instead of a house by the country side, it would be a high rise condo or a house in the city. 

    Instead of proposal on a boat, it would be proposal at Baton Rouge (because I have so many treasured memories at that restaurant). I get seasick anyways...

    Yes, there would be fights. I would cry, maybe even run away, but he would regret it the moment he sees those tears. A milestone. 

    And kids? I do want kids but even I can't imagine how my future kids will look :P 

    One thing I can say is that, this has become my favourite music video of all time. 

     

    -Cath

     

Saturday, 20 August 2011

  • sometimes...

    sometimes...I just want to relax

    sometimes...I just want to do whatever I want

    sometimes...I wish everyone would speak peacefully, no screaming, no shouting

    sometimes...I wish I was stronger...

    sometimes...I wish I didn't say so many "sometimes" lol

    I've decided to draw again today...I haven't drawn for years... I think my last drawing was in 2009. I just never found the time and dedication... but this time, I will add a little colour to my drawing since I mostly do sketches. Drawing was one of the only things that made me happy, made me feel accomplished...like I was better than everyone else. I always tried to draw some life into my characters...whether it'd be a flower...or an angel...or a statue...I wonder what happened to me. 

    Sometimes I feel lost, like life is such a routine. I feel so distant from some people but I know it's just me who's running away. I need to be braver...more confident in myself...I just always feel like...it's all going to be gone any second... I dream all the time that I have superpowers or I am friends with really cool people (LOL, back then, I had a stream of kpop dreams...those were the BEST!)...sometimes I even dream that I am flying. I always dream that people need help or the world is ending and everyone's doing all they can, but I always chuckle and say "don't worry I know what to do!" or other times, I would feel like I know or have something that other people don't and I have the power to just end it all. I wonder what my dreams really mean...I am guessing they mean that I just want to be independant...or accomplish something so big that I am finally independant. Maybe I am too obedient but at the same time, I know in my heart that I am not that innocent. 

    Coming back to Toronto really feels weird sometimes, right now I feel like I'm only here for the weekend, or just a few weeks because it's a holiday, and then I'll be going to loo to my "normal life". Sometimes I can't even tell which one is my normal life - my student life..or the life here in Toronto. I feel like I don't belong in Waterloo because...everyone's so smart and I can't catch up...I know my average is in the 80s but is that even good? When I think about the people I know...they're so smart...and their averages are  probably way higher. I know grades aren't everything but...the more I stay in Waterloo, the more I feel like...grades really reflect a lot on the person...the people I know with good grades are confident...getting "out there"...and are really social. Maybe it's because answers to quizzes or past exams or assignments get passed around and they are the first ones to get them but hmmm... even here in Toronto, I feel like I don't belong sometimes... there's so little screaming and shouting in loo that when I come back and I see my parents yell at one another, I just feel..."disgusted" (maybe too strong a word, but it makes me turn away and feel like they're immature)... is something wrong with me?

    Another thing that I wonder is my future...after I graduate...will I move out immediately? I should be able to answer this because I should know myself better than anyone else but I wonder what type of person I'll be in 2 years. Will I have a job ready for me right away after I graduate? Will I need to job hunt? Will I have a boyfriend (who perhaps will soon become my fiance) after I graduate? Or am I drifter? Truthfully, I don't think I'll want to still stay at home after I graduate, if I had the opportunity I will move out... Being in such a big program has really grown my ambitions... and if I stay at home even after I graduate, I feel like I'll never break out of my shell and achieve those ambitions...I would feel like I haven't grown up yet. 

    I am ready for anything and yet I am scared at the same time. I hope I don't lose any friends along the way. To be honest...there are some friends I am willing to give up (lol they are actually more like acquaintances) if it means keeping the ones that I truly treasure. Haha, you know who you guys are. You will always have a place in my heart, no matter how little we talk.

     

    Cath

Saturday, 23 July 2011

  • Sigh

    How many blog entries have I titled "Sigh"? Yet, here's another one...

    *Sigh* I don't know what I want sometimes...I just don't care about anything so I never know what is important to me

    What is important to me doesn't require a lot of weighing of the choices -> school and family is all I care about. I care about friends as well but sometimes, I don't know which comes first...family or friends...

    I make people mad with my indecisiveness... If it was up to me, I'd just lie down and relax from life...no movies, no eating out, just lying down, reading a good book...I just never want to do anything anymore

    I blame the heat lol

    I'm too simple...there are better people out there than me...who knows what they want and will try to get it

    Nowadays, I just...get cranky...why...

     

    Cath

     

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

  • Daydreaming is fun and all but...

    Daydreaming is fun and all but when reality hits you in the face, you realize how unprepared you are.

    I haven't updated for a long time, never had time to. I just want to put some thoughts down, move on with my life, until some other revelation comes to me.

    Being back in school... does feel nice. Co-op was the best. It was fun, exciting, and I experienced so many things that I never thought I would be able to experience in 4 months. Employee departures, employee retirements, retirement parties, welcoming and farewell parties, but what amazed me the most was that I was surrounded by all these professionals. The place I worked at was so diverse, you have the Chinese, Indians, French, Philipino, African-American, everything. An equal disperse of minorities, until there is eventually no more minority. Just a rainbow of nationalities and cultures. The lunchroom would have different aromas everyday. Curry, soya sauce, sweet smells, and much more. All mixed together. People speaking their own languages over one another. It was truly an amazing experience.

    But it was also intimidating. I remember, on the first day, I was already given real work. Serious stuff, stuff to do with the government, and if I don't get it right, I could leave a trail of questions for auditors to ask about. The pressure and intimidation came from the fact that, it wasn't an exam anymore. In exams, they give you hypothetical situations, such as problems where Person A made this much, what are the entries? Person A made this much, bought this and bought that, what's the taxes payable? If you answer correctly, you get marks, or part marks. In real life, you don't get marked. You get questions. How did you arrive to this? Where did you get that number? What methods did you use? Did you check? That type of pressure gave me adrenaline, motivation, but the strongest emotion of all was importance. I felt important, felt that people were depending on me, and when I saw how busy my department was, I felt grateful that I made their lives just a bit easier. Sometimes I focused too much on the money issue, while managers have to answer audit queries or else hundreds of thousands of dollars is on the line, I am just focused on the little companies, where some might not even make hundreds of thousands. But as I learned, people do come to me and ask for help. I am not just a student. Perhaps maybe it was because I was too into the Chinese way of thinking, where Chinese parents would always say, children shouldn't interfere with adult business. But when I went in there, people encouraged me. People taught me not to think of it that way. Canada is a country where each person has autonomy. I can think like that at home, but at the workplace, I am an equal contributer. 

    At the same time, I kept on thinking about school. At first, I was like ew PD, no I am doing REAL stuff now, don't wanna do school reports anymore... but during the last few weeks, I was glad to be coming back to school. That was the real life. In the end, I am still a student. I was surrounded by CAs, CMAs, CPAs, CGAs, IT people with knowledge and experience from all over the globe, and I chatted with directors, VP of the continent...and much more. I was living in my daydream, I felt like I made it, I am finally grown up. Yet, as I worked there, I realized I was far off. Right now, I can never help the company get savings of hundreds of thousands. I have helped others do that, but I can never actually do it myself. My parents were right, sometimes children shouldn't get involved in adult stuff. 

    I am not running away, but just understanding my place. Understanding that, I am still a student, and I am still not ready. I made a promise to myself during my last week. It was like a mantra that I chanted to myself everyday since my senior years in high school, but working at such a wonderful company made me envision myself. I promised to myself that I will work harder, will be stronger, will be braver/confident, and most of all, will become a CA. Money is not my motivator but my manager, a CA, told me, "Catherine, when you become a CA, you write your own cheques." and the VP, during my last encounter with him, shook my hand and said to me, "When you graduate, call me(us)." Wow. It's not that I think CA is most powerful position in the world, but working with so many people who have designations in all three accounting levels, it was such a powerful motivator. It was like an example of what my life could be in the future. I don't have to be a manager, or VP, or President, or whatever. Currently, I am just taking whatever life throws at me, no matter how hard it is, (with some exceptions of course...) 

    I will be stronger. 

    I wish everyone the same as well. I bet everyone has had experiences like this as well - a moment when you felt proud of yourself - when daydreams meet reality. (Of course, then you have to go back to school and daydream all over again...unless there are people who already graduated reading this post)

    I know a lot of people are on co-op or on break right now, and I wish them the best of luck. To not be afraid, intimidated or anything. It's okay to feel afraid/nervous/intimidated but use that as motivation and show who's boss. Anyone can learn anything, given the dedication and time. I hated tax with a passion but now I am in between being okay with it and liking it. I don't want to say I love tax because I know what I was doing was just the tip of the iceberg. 

    Well, exam tomorrow. Night.

    -Catherine

cuppacoffee05

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    • Name: Cath
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 3/15/2007

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