Lost

Lost. I feel lost.

Why? Why have I lost myself again?

I made so many promises to myself before I came to uni. I promised that I would try to take care of myself better, study harder, participate in extra curriculars, not skip class, etc.

Though hugging Jerry does make me feel safe and loved, and make the problems go away...This is all temporary.

I've lost myself.

I skip too many classes...weeks. When was the last time I went to afm 101? Last week? Two weeks ago?

I joined so many clubs but didn't go to any of the events.

To an outsider, it just sounds like I have bad time management.

But the truth is, really...I've lost myself.

Perhaps it's because of my illness. My illness caused me to skip so many classes; I went through weeks of pain. I felt like shit. I missed Toronto, the safe and healthy haven of my Toronto home. I missed how quickly my family would come to my rescue when I was sick back then.

I feel like I have amnesia. I don't really remember anything. Now that I am FINALLY okay, not sick, and a bit healthier, it feels like I just awoke from a long horrible nightmare.

I feel disgusted at some of the things I did. How could I have skipped so many classes? How could I have wasted so much time? I slept so much trying to recuperate that it backfired and caused even more loads of work to pile up.

I want to wake up from this nightmare of a life. I didn't work hard enough for the afm 131 exam. It doesn't hurt for some reason, even though I know it SHOULD hurt. It's not like I could've done any better if I were to retake it. There was too little time. My sickness just drains my energy that even if I got 10 hours of sleep, I need to sleep more.

I spent the shittiest days of my life at Waterloo, and also the best.

I don't want to be lost in life anymore. It's not too late to keep trying.

Please God, I know I haven't been to church for years, but...listen to my plead because I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

What am I doing at Waterloo? I'm already zoning out in life that Jerry has to repeat his questions twice. Haha, if only my past could repeat twice.

- cath

:)

I don't know how many times I tried to start this entry but ended up backspacing.

I was going to write something about Waterloo, like how I'm getting used to it. I'm not really used to it. I should be used to the workload by now, but no, I'm still not. I have lots to catch up on.

Being sick is no longer an excuse, I kind of brought it upon myself and I finally realize how much I'm lying to myself when I say that I should probably only just focus on studying and nothing else. Wrong, wrong, wrong. I'm recovering but, it's such an up and down process, it's getting annoying.

Anyways, what my smiley face is really about is Jerry. Lol. I don't know, I just...wanted to say it.

I don't want to give out stupid proverbs. But, I realize that...when you like someone, and that person likes you back, and then you guys go out, it's never what you expect. I read this in Twilight, lol, I didn't know it could actually also apply to real life haha (not to HER extent though). Bella said that she never expected to like a person THIS much.

When I first went out with Jerry, I think I even told him that I didn't expect to actually like him enough to wanna go out with him lots or like wanna see him lots. LOL, we're too chillaxed. I used to think that when you like someone and that person likes you back, it was simply liking. Just the word LIKE, and it didn't incorporate all those feelings that float around that word. I don't even know if I can officially use the word LOVE because it seems so early for that "technically", don't you think? We've officially been going out for a little over a month, but then before that, weeks of events happened. We always tell each other this, that, even though it's only been a month, it feels like MONTHS. We just see each other everyday; he was even like "hey you know what I just realized? We see each other everyday." and I'm like "hmm..." and he's like "what? You're not happy?" and I'm like "nono, it's not that. It's just that, won't you get tired of me? Like you see me everyday, you're gonna get tired of me probably." and he's like "no, why would I? I'll never get tired of Cathy. What I mean is that, it's like I've been seeing you everyday, it's gonna feel a bit out of place when I don't see you tomorrow or something." That made me go like :). I don't even know why. I kinda stopped analyzing myself a long time ago, I listened to Skye and she just said LET IT FLOW. LOL. It makes one feel free. *Sigh*. He just...always says these things, they're so cute and they're so lame, and they're so cheezy but I'll never get tired of them. If it was someone else, normally, I'd be thinking -_-...lame joke...not funny at all, and force a laugh lol. But, when he says it, I geniunely laugh. It's really different from like...when you had a crush on someone.  lol, I sound obsessed, but I'm not. But I can really see how people can actually go out for years. I'm starting to slowly erase the fear of him getting tired of me. I used to try to not let him see me everyday in case he'll get tired, but...literally, fate just keeps letting it happen, so....I've really just given up.

Back onto the point. Yeah, I never really expected to like him THIS much. It sounds so CHEEZY to say this, lol, and I guess it's personal but for some reason, when I type it out, it just feels... a lot more... truer. One of the things I love the most, and by the Holy Lord, I do not want to jinx this but if we break up one day, I'm going to miss this SOOOOOOOO much, is when we hug. When we hug, and since he's so tall (well tall for an Asian and a bit built), I just like to lay my head on his chest and close my eyes. I don't know if you've read in books or seen in movies, the girl would say like, she feels safe and loved when she does that. Yeah...that actually happens. I don't read chick flick books (TWILIGHT...is THE BEST) and I haven't seen too many chick flick movies, but when I first saw/read that, I was like, "is that possible? I mean it makes sense, but being in the arms of someone can actually make you feel like all your problems can go away?"

Yes, it can happen, and it amazes me each time. Hugging Jerry, he's so warm that it makes my heart feel a bit warm as well. One word just screams the feeling, "safe". Maybe it's also cuz of all the things he just does for me, without me asking. All these factors, all these days, and all these feelings. It makes me realize that the more I spend time with him, the more I like him, to the point where it's one day (I think it's happening soon, cuz dating in uni is COMPLETELY diff from high school) to the point like I could say I love him. (We already say that anyways, but I think you get what I mean.) I just don't ever get tired of Jerry, even when his stubbornness just gets me SO annoyed and since I'm so stubborn as well, and my own stubbornness towards his stubbornness gets me annoyed as well.

LOL, long entry about lovey-dovey stuff. All I'm trying to say is, I'm really glad I met Jerry....and have someone as awesome as him. The stuff he does and says sometimes is just... so .

-cath 

Little Fears

Little fears.

Yes, I know it's 4:30am, and I SHOULD BE SLEEPING, considering I have to wake up at 7am haha. But oh well, I just wanna say something before I sleep. This entry is called Little Fears. When I say fears, I do not mean phobias, instead, I mean fears about dating. LOL.

Gay right? Cheezy right? But this xanga's mine anyways so if you're not into cheezy, then just close the window. I'm not gonna offer dating advice, but I just wanna say something that I used to feel and probably lots of other people do too.

Back in the day, in high school, I didn't want to date. It's simple. I don't believe in dating during high school. I always felt there was no point. Brian actually said something very true today, "You know, I'm not looking for a girlfriend, I'm looking for a wife." Jerry and I completely agreed on that, not like we're gonna marry LOL, but when Brian said WIFE, he didn't mean getting hitched, he meant like...someone you just don't spend one or two months with. You want a long lasting relationship, a spouse without a ring, I guess you could say that. Nonetheless, this was the exact reason why I didn't date in high school. Yes, you could build long lasting relationships that can last for years, and I've seen it before, but knowing myself and the type of person I am, if I don't believe it will last in university, then it probably won't. I'll probably end up dumping the guy, or he'll dump me for not trying to keep the relationship alive. You're probably thinking, "you might never know"... but knowing myself, although I don't get clingy, I get attached. There's a difference between clingy and attached. To me, clingy means Richard (NO OFFENCE MOTHERFUCKER BUT I STILL HATE YOU), it means you constantly call the person, give the person no breathing space, and you're stuck to the person like super glue, BUT attached on the other hand means you just can't get enough of the person, you wanna spend time with the person, you feel like there's not enough time in the world, and when you're done whatever you're doing, you wanna spend the rest of the time just being with that one person. THAT is the type of person I am. I always offer personal space to my partner, it might get a little annoying afterwards but that's the type of person I am. At the same time, I'm a lazy person. I can't find myself being dedicated to something or someone for a long long time. I am afraid of insecurities, and if you go to different universities, then yeah... bye bye, let's break up. But now that I am in uni, the only type of insecurity I feel is not if the guy is going to flirt with some other girl cuz I'm the one that's TOOO chillaxed in this relationship, but I am afraid of him getting tired of me. I always ask him and he always says 'why would I get tired of you?' I guess, there's nothing to be afraid of. You just have to trust him, and I REALLY trust him. So if he says no, then I should say goodbye to the insecurity. But, old habits die hard.

SO THE POINT OF THAT LONG ASS PARAGRAPH IS, IF YOU HAVE A FEAR OF YOUR BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND THINKING YOU'RE ANNOYING, DON'T. TRUST THE PERSON OR IN THE END, IF THE PERSON THINKS YOU'RE ANNOYING, IT'S PROBABLY CUZ THE PERSON IS ANNOYED AT YOU CONSTANTLY INSECURE ABOUT BEING ANNOYING. Just be yourself, CHILL. I'm trying that now.

SECOND: Back then, I always had a fear of running out of things to talk about. I always that if I went out with the person I really like, I would run out of things to say because I'd be too nervous and constantly trying to think of things to say. Awkward silences annoy the shit out of me, and this is a bad thing to do but sometimes, when I chat with a person, I would judge on whether this person and I can keep a conversation going. If not, then... not worth the try because keeping conversations going is hard. A friend told me that getting guys are easy. You just keep coming at them. Keep talking to them. Keep seeing them. Keep doing this and keep doing that. I'll tell you right now, it's tiring. I did that with Jerry though, coincedentally (and fortunately), I always had a reason to start the conversation. Something happened each day, something I had to ask him, etc, there was just always a reason that provoked me or him to begin a conversation each day. I have to admit though, we both always take some time to reply to each other, but we never really ran out of stuff to talk about. NEVER RUSH THINGS. At first, when I didn't even know I liked him (well...I was really confused but everyone says I was in denial), I did get scares that I would run out of stuff to talk to him about, and to be honest, since I was confused about my feelings, I didn't even know why I felt that way. All I remember saying to myself was, "Oh God, please, if there are going to be awkward silences even on MSN, please don't let it be between him and I." ANYWAYS, my point is, there's a fine line between provoking someone and making them talk to you, and just letting it flow. He doesn't always have to be the first one to say hi. You don't always have to constantly talk after each sentence, and don't plan out subjects. For some reason, I didn't need to do that with Jerry. Lol, maybe I'm just lucky but I know for sure I had to do that with Carter (not like I liked him or anything, but even as friends, it was hard to really continue a conversation). I think, it just requires a good combination of chatting with a person (online or text or phone) and meeting up with that person one on one. Jerry and I always went to lunch together...and it just escalated. It was ONLY lunch too.  Surprisingly, the fear of running out of things to talk about with your partner doesn't apply to me anymore. I just thought that if it works with friends, it would probably happen with boyfriends too...but I was SO wrong LOL. NOW IT'S LIKE, THERE'S NOT ENOUGH TIME IN THE WORLDDDDD.

That's it. Those are my two only fears, and it really kept me from dating back in high school. Anyone can date in high school, but I just don't believe in it.

- cath

P.S: I don't know why but it's the weirdest thing when girls and guys call you hot. I'm not trying to like...brag or something but hearing something call you hot or beautiful or pretty cool, all of which I've never been seriously called before, is something I WILL NEVER GET USED TO. ESPECIALLY WHEN JERRY SAYS IT TO ME, I'M STILL AMAZED EVEN THOUGH HE'S MY BOYFRIEND. 

Down

When you feel down, what do you do?

I thought going to Waterloo would make me feel more independant, but it doesn't.

I thought going to CASA would make me have so much fun that I would feel nothing.

I guess not.

I want to draw the pain away. But my sketchbook is not here.

I guess, I'm just really down from the econ exam.

Seeing my mark, I guess I didn't feel so... invincible anymore. I never thought I was but I always thought I was above a certain standard. I guess not.

I'm just...an average person. Marks aren't everything. I always knew they weren't, but I guess if I ever felt like I lacked anything, it wouldn't be marks.

How delicate this balance was.

How delicate life is.

Life in high school was so much easier. The first year for university is always the hardest.

Could it be that hard?

It wasn't even Asian fail, Caucasians would even be crying.

In a way it motivates me to work harder. But I realize that when you overwork yourself, it ends up backfiring.

I wanna black out.

I should've blacked out that day.

I would've felt nothing.

Maybe even have a wonderful dream.

Or maybe a horrible nightmare.

I don't care anymore, as long as I can get away from reality for some time.

Ugh, I really need to do something. No drugs. Maybe get drunk. Maybe do shisha till my head becomes like a feather. Maybe smoke until the nicotine settles in. Maybe sleep and wake up in 2011.

Fuck it all.

Maybe I should study.

-cath

University and new experiences....

University brings big changes. You meet new friends, you experience new things, you have to work harder, and you need to depend on yourself.

I can't do the last thing very well. So far, I've only been depending on Jerry. I keep thinking how lucky I am sometimes. He really cares for me and he worries about me too much, and even though I tell him constantly that I'm fine, he sees through my act and keeps me company anyways. This makes me worried and thankful at the same time. I can't get over how scary it was on Friday night, when I actually passed out a few times. If he wasn't there, I would've fainted on the road and probably died from the cold or got ran over by a car since it was like 4 or 5 in the morning. I could have fainted on the stairs, only a few steps away from my rez, and if he didn't stubbornly say he'll walk me home, then I don't know where I would be right now. Sounds scary right? Passing out when no one's there is the worst and scariest feeling in the world, I even passed out while hugging him. Your knees just go weak, and you see an inifnite black. Lol, sounds like a cheezy movie saying this but if it weren't for him constantly calling my name or calling me hun, I wouldn't have ever reached the surface of consciousness. *sigh* I fail at making him not worry.... But yeah...that's one new experience -> passing out, and making your boyfriend take care of you for a week while you're trying to take care of him. How ironic.

Another new experience would be: pain and stress. Pain, itself is not a new experience to me, but the degree of pain, the persistance of it, the power of it, and its duration is something completely new to me. My abs hurt from coughing. My throat hurts like a bitch. I used to get major headaches in the morning because I was sick. My arms and legs are sore from lack of sleep.

Making friends again was another experience. Making NEW guy friends was a major one. It's not like I haven't made guy friends before, but they were all from my elementary school, and it was such a small world, I didn't make a lot of new guy friends either. I came from an all girl school so I saw no need. But coming to uni, and making new connections and new friends of both genders was quite an interesting experience. And look what happened, I have Jerry lol.

- cath